Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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