i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
