Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize