whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
