whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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