absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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