I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
