It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
