bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
