My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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