I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize