One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
