the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
