So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
