I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Randomize
