watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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