the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
