3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
