6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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