Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
