these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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