we have pet lesbian snakes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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