I faked an abortion last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
