So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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