Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
