sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize