Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
