I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
