i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize