My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize