so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
