I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize