Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
