god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
