if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
