I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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