You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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