Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
