there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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