does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm too high and old for this...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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