"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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