Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
