Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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