If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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