mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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