Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
