guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
