i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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