Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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