its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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