After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize