I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize