If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
