I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize