The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
