I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I don't want my vagina anymore.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
