Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
