my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
