Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
