My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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