Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
