I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
