Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize