I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
