I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
