oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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