I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
