I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
