I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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