The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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