DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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