I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
we're so committed to being not committed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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