i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
