That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
