she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
