I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
